Top 10

Top 10 Ways You Can Ruin Your Family Camping Trip

  1. Not prepackingNOTHING will get your camping trip off to a shitty start more than leaving everything until the last minute. I’m the queen of procrastination so I have life experience with this and know what the fuck I’m talking about. You will start your magical family trip off with anger, stress and hours of wondering “Did I forget anything?” You will have even less patience to deal with your annoying husband who had everything on his list done ahead of time and lets you know it every time you mention that you’re feeling a little stressed. You will tell him to “Shut the fuck up or I’m gonna cut a bitch” and he will laugh and say “That’s okay. I have time to go to emergency because all my shit is done.”  If you have small children, you will not only be frantically rushing around but you will have to deal with: 

“I’m hungry!!!!”

“Lucifer hit me” “

“I lost my marble up my nose!” (In which case, you can tell your husband to take your child to emergency with him since he’s headed there to get stitched up anyways)

2. Not packing appropriately – Depending on where you live, rain gear is essential to having a happy camping trip. Rubber boots, waterproof jackets and waterproof pants are a parent’s best friend. Blowing through every outfit that you brought for your child in 5 hours because of a downpour is hardly conducive to a relaxing trip. Also, forgetting your swimsuit and watching everyone else splashing each other, having fun and keeping cool in the sweltering heat either leaves you swimming in your undies or damaging your children for life by skinny dipping with no fucks given.

3. Not calling ahead to make reservations – Don’t be a douche. Seriously. Pulling into a RV park/campsite and getting pissed off at the person in the office because YOU didn’t make a reservation and THEY have no room to accommodate you is a dick move. It’s not their fault that your poor planning has led to everyone in your vehicle being hot, tired, cranky and homeless for the night. When you make reservations, also ask if there are gates that are locked at night or office hours for check in. Some of the provincial parks have gates that are locked at 11pm.

4. Not packing supplies for emergency repairs – Make sure the spare tire on the back of your trailer/motorhome is in good shape. Things like tarps, extra tent pegs, tent patches and air mattress patches are essential for tenting. Also, make sure you have a fully stocked first aid kit for when you or your husband get hurt from flailing around, cursing and all but throwing yourself down on the ground in a tantrum while trying to successfully repair something.

5. Food poisoning – Dealing with vomiting children while vomiting yourself is hell. Sorry, I mean it’s HELL!!! If you’re camping in a trailer, it’s pretty much like being at home except you have nowhere to hide and pretend that you’ve disappeared so your partner has to take a turn on vomit patrol. If you’re tenting, well, you’re fucked. Ain’t nobody sleeping while the air mattress is moving like the sea in a storm because someone on the other side is violently hurling over the edge.

6. Tenting – Tenting, for me, is akin to willingly taking a family road trip to Hell for a week. Fire and brimstone raining down upon you as you canoe down a river of lava that is filled with big-ass hungry spiders who have been waiting for your arrival so that they can: #1 – Eat you and #2 – Lay their eggs in your corpse to hatch. A bit dramatic? Maybe, but that’s what the definition of “tenting” should be in the dictionary. No matter what you put underneath it, the air mattress sucks up every bit of cold from the earth until you can barely sleep because your body has become hypothermic. However, once the sun even begins to rise, your tent is like a fucking incinerator. There is no happy medium.

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Dusk
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Dawn

7. Lopping off a body part – Any sort of medical emergency while camping can put a damper on the festivities. Laying back and relaxing in your anti-gravity chair, drinking wine and eating some delicious junk food that only seems to be purchased for camping trips is completely ruined by your husband or child running up to you holding a finger from their left hand in their right hand. Sometimes you’ll luck out and they’ll only lose the tip of a finger. Fingertips are like lizard tails, they grow back. At least that’s what I told my kids and they could be hand models now, so I wasn’t wrong.

8. Obnoxious neighbours – The best camping trips are those that you take with friends and family. You expect to hear: kids playing, laughing and crying; music playing in at least one campsite; and boats and Sea-Doo’s razzing around on the lake. Obnoxious parents who have 8 obnoxious kids, ranging from late teens to small children, that run around with their spawn playing hide and seek underneath your trailers and trucks, running behind the lawn chair that you’re sitting in and almost pulling you over backwards because they grab onto it so they can crouch down to hide, peeking in everyone’s windows, their kids stealing someone’s canoe in the middle of the night and then abandoning it part way down the lake at the end of a trail are the neighbours we once had and that you hope to avoid. People also need to respect occupied campsites. Don’t be a dillhole and walk through the middle of an occupied site. Take an extra few steps and follow the path to your destination.

9. Not having enough things to keep busy – “I’m bored!!!” Two words guaranteed to destroy that nice relaxed glow you’ve got going on. We always hauled the girls bikes with us when we went camping and we had a dvd player for the car so they could watch a movie in the tent/trailer before bed or if it was raining. Most kids are pretty good at seeking out others of their kind and we’d quite often see the horde of bikers grow with each lap they made around the campground.

10. Underestimating your alcoholic needs – This is a biggie. Especially if you encounter any of the above situations. You would sell your soggy, vomiting, bleeding 9-fingered children for just one glass of wine. I mean, I wouldn’t because that’s WRONG! I could probably get a whole bottle for one of my kids. This is why I love camping in places that aren’t too far from a city. You run out of booze? ROADTRIP!!!! ~ C. Dolly


Top 10

Top 10 Items to Pack in Your Carry-On

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Most airlines allow you to have 2 carry-on items such as a small bag and a purse or back pack. Make sure you check the size dimensions allowed and limitations on articles you can bring prior to flying. If you are flying with young children/strollers, there are often exceptions to how many items you can bring as well.

Here is our list of Top 10 Essential Items to Have in Your Carry On.

  1. Medications and legal pharmaceuticals (including gravol, tums, your travel sized first aid kit, Benadryl, epi-pen, etc…)
  2. All of your important papers such as passports, travel insurance, cash, flight information, consulate contact information, and final destination information. On the plane, you are often asked to fill out a form stating your final destination (address, phone number,   etc… ) I always keep this information with my passport. I also have a photocopy of my fellow travelers’ passports, etc… in case they lose theirs. If you happen to know someone who speaks the language fluently, have their number so you can contact them if needed to help you out of any tricky situations. Double points if they’re actually a lawyer! I also leave a copy of this information with a trusted person (such as my mommy) back home.
  3. Extra change of clothes (bathing suit, flip flops (even I know that it is inappropriate to call them thongs now), shorts, underwear, pajamas and a dress shirt/dress). I actually have about a week’s worth of clothes shrunken down in an air compressed bag (I purchased mine at WalMart). If my luggage gets lost, I’m good. You can usually spot the poor people who had delayed or lost luggage. They are often wearing sweat pants in sweltering heat and have a slightly unwashed appearance. It’s like they just gave up on showering since they have no clean clothes to change into anyway.
  4. Food. Check your airline prior to flying. Sometimes your airline will offer you a complimentary bag of pretzels, but that will hardly hold you over for 5 hours. You can buy a sandwich or a piece of pizza for the price of your first born child if you wish, but I prefer to have a few granola bars on hand. You can also stop at the restaurant of your choice prior to boarding and take your meal/sandwich with you. All purchases need to be made with a credit card.
  5. Stay hydrated! Although you cannot pack bottles of water with you, you can buy them after you pass through security.
  6. You can either have your own headphones to watch movies, or you can buy them for around $10 from the airline if you forget.
  7. Blow up neck pillow for comfort (doesn’t take up space in your carry on)
  8. Gum. Helps pop your ears for take-off and landing. If you have small children, having them suck from their bottle during these times helps as well.
  9. Book/magazines to occupy your time if you don’t want to watch movies the whole flight (make sure you check your flight number to see if you need to download an app prior to takeoff. Some airlines do not have screens and you need their app to watch movies on your own device.)
  10. Electronic devices such as cell phone chargers, power adaptor, cameras. We always travel with a white noise machine as well that we can plug in at our hotel to drown out the sound of screaming kids and drunken adults. We also take our luggage weigh scale to make sure that our luggage is not overweight. You will often pay more for overweight luggage than you will for an extra bag.

img_5819.jpgMy carry on is 15″ long, 11″ high and 10″ deep. I fit every thing mentioned above into my one carry on. Just for interest, I am showing you the clothes that I also fit into my compressed bag: 5 dresses, flip flops, a cardigan, bathing suit, 1 pair of shorts, 1 tank top, nightgown and underwear (which I chose not to put in the picture). Note that I keep my shoes in a ziploc bag inside of the bag. In case there is dog poop residue on the bottoms, I don’t want it touching my clothes! The amount of clothing/shoes that I can fit in my carry on will hold me quite comfortably if my equally tiny luggage under the plane gets delayed or lost.

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What are your essential carry on items? Share them with us in the comments section. Also, feel free to share any interesting body cavity search experiences you have had. Airport/MileHigh Club stories only! – perverts…. 🙂 – The Dollies