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Wot in Tarnation??

joe dirt

White trash, Redneck, Trailer Park Trash, Hillbilly. You’ve either heard the words or had them directed towards you. Admit it, every-fucking-one of us has done at least one thing in our lives that would fit into the stereotypical category of all of the above. We may regret our actions afterwards or we may not give a shit. Either way, it’s a part of life and anyone who says “I would never do anything like that!” is a delusional stuck-up bitch. Yes, I’ve met people like that and no, they are not in my life.

Some examples of questionable behavior within my friends and family could be:

  • Peeing on a fire while kids are trying to roast hot dogs
  • Waiting for a big ass dog to poop out the socks that he ate so you can wash them because “they were fucking expensive!”
  • Pulling a car out of the ditch using a dog leash attached to another car
  • Calling family to see if they want to come check out a moose they shot even though 2 of the legs have already been lopped off
  • Lighting fireworks and when one is a dud, throwing it into the campfire and having it go off, lighting chairs and trees on fire
  • A grown-ass man taking a kid’s small quad for a test drive and doing a wheelie. Having your pants fall far enough down your crack that when the quad tips a liiiiiittle too far back, your ass drags on the ground pulling your pants down further and you end up getting road rash on your ass.
  • Three guys moving a car to a property 5 minutes down the road and using a ratchet strap to attach the car to the truck because they are too cheap to hire a tow truck. 1 guy, knowing that the power steering and brakes don’t work, volunteering to ride in the broke down car. Once the guys in the truck get past the first sketchy turn it becomes playtime with no fucks given. Once the car is moving the steering kinda works but both feet practically standing on the brakes does nothing and he’s watching the guys in the truck laughing and having a great time while his life flashes before his eyes.
  • Opening a sock drawer to put your child’s socks away and seeing a squirrel, screaming, throwing socks and undies everywhere and then realizing that your child attempted his own taxidermy and stuffed the squirrel with paper towel and sewed it back up (Don’t be alarmed – the cute kid has grown up to be an amazing young man with no serial killer tendencies)

Personally, the things I will admit to are:

  • Having a cat drop a half chewed, still moving mouse on the kitchen floor just as I was serving dinner.
  • The expensive roast beast that I’d so lovingly prepared shooting off the end of the bbq spit onto the kitchen floor in front of my guests. That one was horrifying. The only thing I could think to do was rinse it off because it took hours to cook on the bbq and it took a lot of work to prepare: I had to peel the garlic cloves and make knife marks in the roast and push the garlic in. Fatiguing. Plus, when I cook a meal, everything goes together. I couldn’t very well just order a pizza. Clash of the Cuisines! My guests were like…nah, you’ll get rid of all the flavor if you rinse it off!!! 3 second rule. Since I had mopped just before dinner, I picked that slippery fucker up off of the floor, sliced it up, served it and had the best roast beast dinner ever!
  • Calling roast beef “Roast Beast” because my kids LOVE the Grinch all year long

To me, all of these are great memories. They make life fun and interesting. A little tiny part of me is horrified but the larger part is amazed at the ingeniousness of the people I love and choose to spend my time with. I’ve also realized that many of these encounters have occurred with the same people. I’m going to have to buy them a nice big jug of moonshine to show my appreciation for the laughter they have brought into my life – C.Dolly

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