Tuesday Ramblings

The 12 Steps of Crowlife Anonymous

 

cute_baby_crow

Because Crowlife recovery is a lifelong process, there’s no wrong way to approach the 12 Steps as the participant tries to figure out what works best for their individual needs. In fact, most participants find that they will need to revisit some steps or even tackle more than one of the steps at a time.

Crows are NOT hoarders, no matter what my husband and children say. For example: I have a Tupperware cake taker. Do I use it all the time? No. Does that mean that my girls are going to pry it out of my midget-like grasp without giving me their first born child in exchange for it? Hell No! Honestly, I shouldn’t have to explain why touching my shit will end badly for them. Hoarders collect and surround themselves with useless items like rotting pumpkins (“It was a niiiice pumpkin!”), human and animal feces, dirty dishes and baby clothing when there’s not a baby in their life. Although, maybe there is a baby, but it’s been lost amongst the pumpkins and dishes. Crows surround themselves with fresh air, a nice comfortable high-rise nest and the shinies that they’ve collected. Crows also kick ungrateful, decluttering babies out of the nest with no fucks given.

 

Here are the 12 Steps of Crowlife Anonymous as defined by The Dollies:

  1. We admitted we were powerless over the ‘Oh, Shiny!’ – that our lives had become unmanageable without crafting bins to hold The Shinies – Acceptance is the key to happiness.
  2. Came to realize that a High Priestess, with power greater than our own, couldn’t restore us to sanity – Let’s be honest, there’s nothing that can restore our sanity. We’re quite simply fucked. I’m not complaining because I enjoy having people wonder if that little piece of insanity they glimpse once in awhile has escaped from the much larger meteor of insanity that is caught in my gravitational field.  
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the call of the wild – Crows are wild. And free. They’re also scavengers. Anyone watching us go through sale bins in a craft store would totally see the resemblance.
  4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our gems and shiny bits – As I stated in my article Crowlife, you can often find us going through our containers to familiarize ourselves with The Shinies we’ve collected long ago, but never found the perfect use for. Yet.
  5. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs – R. Dolly and I freely admit the nature of our wrongs to each other all the time. Sometimes we even temporarily trade shiny things so that we feel like we could get rid of them if we really needed to.
  6. Were entirely ready to have each other remove any shiny defects – Defects are not acceptable, unless they can be hidden or camouflaged in some way. If we show each other a damaged shiny and can’t figure out a way to hide or camouflage it, we have no problem letting the other person dispose of it.
  7. Humbly ask for help to remove our shortcomings – Nobody wants to run out of supplies halfway through a crafting project. We have no problem asking for help to alleviate the burden of under-stocked supplies.  
  8. Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all – On occasion we may have trampled some poor unaware crafter or random loiterer as we rushed towards the sale bins. We need to let go of our impure thoughts that they shouldn’t have been just standing in the way talking on their cell phones or texting and ultimately caused their own injuries.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would cause injuries to yourself – Crafters are a vicious breed. We Dollies have no problem making amends, but some of those bitches just can’t let shit go.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it – If one of us mistakenly thinks we have enough supplies for a craft and run out before we finish, we have no problem admitting we fucked up.
  11. Sought through Google and Pinterest to improve our knowledge when something isn’t turning out as planned and gained the power to carry on – Dollies never give up. Ever. I just purchased a new glue in the hopes of finally securing my solo cup to it’s candle holder base from the May White Trash Party.
  12. Having had a Crowlife awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other Crowlifers (and non-Crowlifers) and to practice these principles in our daily lives – We’ve accepted who we are and realize that there’s nothing wrong with living the Crowlife way. Find inspiration in everything that surrounds you and be creative. And as long as those annoying bitches stay out of our way at the craft sale bins, life will continue on for them as per usual and we’ll stay out of jail. Nobody wants to see me do this:

Attack Cat Bush~C. Dolly~


Advertisements
Monthly Articles

JOEY Restaurants Kelowna

#fullonmouthorgasm

While on our wine tour in the beautiful city of Kelowna, BC, we once again had dinner at an amazing restaurant, JOEY Restaurants Kelowna. So amazing that I’ve waited all fucking year to go back. The restaurants are modern and every detail from the lighting and furniture to the lounge and patio area were meticulously designed for casual dining. The patio has a cabana bar, a stream that flows around the perimeter of the patio, and a waterfall with botanical garden inspired landscaping.

joey

I’m also part stalker and research the shit out of everything! Anything can catch my interest including Facebook profiles, appliance reviews, restaurant reviews and history, real estate in foreign countries and pretty much anything my “Oh, Shiny!!” mind lands on. #crowlife. This is how I lose track of time in Googleland. I spent hours on google learning about bog bodies. Every page I opened had so much mind-blowingly interesting information that, if I were actually a crow, I would’ve gathered it all up and taken it back to my little nest filled with my little crow babies. The same thing happened with JOEY Kelowna. Last year, after experiencing the JOEY experience just once…I was infatuated. Kind of like what happened with my husband. I have a problem. Do they have a 12 step program for crows like me? Here, let me google that shit. No, there is not. Never fear! Check out our Tuesday Ramblings during the month of September for The Dollies: 12 Step Crowlife Anonymous Program.

Last year, the first thing on the menu that caught my eye was that the executive chef for JOEY Restaurants, Chris Mills, appeared on “Iron Chef Japan.” I love, love, love The Food Network so that’s where my google stalking began. He also competed in the prestigious Bocuse d’Or, which I then had to research. JOEY also has their own Iron-Chef-Like competitions!

“The Top Apprentice Cook Off in which 75 of the best Joey cooks compete in regional competitions across Canada. The top winners from each region will congregate at George Brown College in Toronto to participate in the final two-day event. The winner will receive a cash prize and bragging rights as the Joey Restaurants Top Apprentice. The competition is part of the company’s strategy to create a supreme brand of partners called the League of Extraordinary Chefs and create pride in it’s back-of-house employees. The challenge is one of four culinary competitions hosted annually, including The Apprentice Projects Challenge, whereby the challenger who completes the most projects from the Apprentice handbook wins; the Chefs Black Box at the Summit, which hosts a series of quick-fire and black box competitions; the Iron Chef Competition; and finally the Top Apprentice competition.”

All of this Food Network-ish inspired training and competing has created something fantastical. The food and cocktails are A-Fucking-Mazing! Seriously, every single thing on the plate was an orgasm-in-your-mouth, out-of-body, angels-singing moment. Okay, maybe not that dramatic but pretty fucking close.

*By the time we had finished our wine tour, changed, had more drinks and then walked to the restaurant, I might’ve had a bit to drink. I swear that I took pictures of the food. My husband also said I did because I yelled “Wait!!! I need pictures of the food.” However, both of our phones contained no pictures of the Joey food so I’m pretty sure I hit focus on my iPhone and never actually took the picture. So you are getting google pictures. Enjoy.

My husband and I both ordered the same thing as the previous year. Lobster and shrimp ravioli for my husband and stuck with my ultimate favorite steak and the crispy mashed potatoes.

 

The steak was pure perfection and the….wait. These need their own paragraph.

The crispy potatoes. I love potatoes but these were the best potato creation I’ve ever had the pleasure of putting into my mouth. Look at these babies and tell me your mouth isn’t already watering:

0d95e5e783072c5355fc5a41124e7884--copycat-recipes-mashed-potatoes

Smooth mashed potatoes wrapped in a crispy blanket of love, hugged by a gentle drizzle of sour cream, and fondled with bacon and cheese to create potato perfection. Fuck, I just creeped myself out with that analogy. They really are amazing and should be on everyone’s “To Eat Before You Die” list.

“Each JOEY restaurant is unique, but they all have plenty in common: great food, fun times, and exceptional dining experiences.” (also just like my husband)

 

Tuesday Ramblings

Death By Dildo

Death is inevitable. Most people, including myself, don’t want to die and there’s a fear and anxiety surrounding the thought of death. Gone are the days of your body being disposed of in a peat bog or lit up on a funeral pyre. Now the process is more civilized (expensive) and your body is carefully lowered into the ground in an ornate satin-lined coffin or cremated fully clothed to protect your dignity and your ashes are placed into an ornate silver urn. We’ve taken the original earthy idea and basically bedazzled it. #Crowlife

People see all sorts of weird and crazy shit during their lifetime (thank you social media!!) and I’m pretty open and intrigued by most things. I’m not a religious person nor am I a straight-laced, uptight bitch. I don’t have judgie eyes like lobsters do and I try not to judge others (unless the person is an asshole or a total idiot who’s going to become the downfall of society, which there is a plethora of.) Creepy, odd, strange and brilliant ideas are fascinating. Dirty and dark humor are what I love. People can be so creative and ingenious. They can also come up with ideas that make open-minded people like myself pause and say:

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCKITY-FUCK???

What’s too far for this Dolly?

“Dutch designer Mark Sturkenboom has just created a sex toy that includes a mini-urn to hold the cremated remains of that special someone.”

21 Grams is a memory box that holds the cremated remains of your loved one inside a glass dildo, a brass key on a necklace to lock it, a perfume/cologne diffuser that holds the departed’s signature scent and an iPod amplifier to listen to the music that reminds you of them as you’re getting down to business.

How in the fuck would you get turned on enough to use it. There isn’t enough lube in the world. Your vag would just close up tight when that goddamned dildo started heading towards it.

I told my husband that no matter how much I love him, his remains will never take up residence in my toys. I did, however, give him permission to use my remains in a fleshlight type device because I know he’ll be so devastated without me. He gave me a completely horrified WTF look. So I’m pretty sure he’s going to replace me with a blond with huge boobs. She’d never have my personality or sense of humor but neither would a fleshlight containing my ashes.

C. Dolly

DIY

Painting Glasses Like a Boss

3-IMG_6052Last year, C. Dolly brought me back a beautiful wineglass from her drunkfest  wine tour. Due to our well documented crow nature, it has managed to fascinate us both for a period of a year. When we decided to do a clam bake, we thought it was the perfect opportunity to put our painting skills to the test with some awesome, one of a kind painted glasses. 

After much googling, youtubing and scratching our nether regions, we decided to take the advice of Martha Stewart, because she is our crafting queen. When in doubt, we always ask, “WWMSD – What Would Martha Stewart Do?” She would encourage us to buy her tried and true product, that’s what!

Martha Stewart, Multi-Surface Acrylic Craft Paint was the answer for our overwhelmed brain. There are so many different options and conflicting advice available on the internet and just as many pros and cons to all of them. We decided that paint rather than pens would give us more of the texture and artistic look we were going for. It was also available in a much wider selection of colours than pens and would give us options to blend colours for different effects. So far we are happy with them and they have stood up to the scratch test, hand washing and the dishwasher in the top rack. 

Supplies:

  • Synthetic paint brushes, variety of sizes
  • Martha Stewart acrylic paint
  • Glasses of your choice, we chose stemless wine glasses and pilsner glasses
  • oven

Directions:

  1. Wash and dry glasses well to remove any film or oil that may be on them from handling
  2. Choose your colour palette and design. You can even tape a simple pattern on the inside of the glass if you’re unsure of your painting skills. If you’re painting something specific like cherry blossoms, or a tree, it would help to have the picture in front of you for reference (blossom count, colours, etc…)
  3. Let paint dry for at least an hour prior to heating in oven. 
  4. Place glasses on tray in cold oven. Heat to 350F and bake for 30 minutes. DO NOT REMOVE! 
  5. Open oven door a crack, and let glasses cool prior to removing. Do not forget about them and turn your oven on in the morning to make sausages for breakfast. If you do, turn the oven off and let the glasses sit in the oven until cold and then find something else to cook. – R.Dolly

1-IMG_6050

 

2-IMG_6051

4-IMG_6053

DIY

Beaded Lights

2-IMG_6075

I happened upon some Jesse James Crystal Balls that were on sale at Fabricland. I loved the colors and thought they would be beautiful lit up from within and wondered if I could get them on a string of Christmas mini lights.  I honestly didn’t care if I was going to be able to work my magic and somehow get them over the mini light bulb because they were gorgeous and #crowlife took over all reasoning.

img_3233

Once I arrived home, I was trying to figure out how to get those damn crystal balls onto the mini lights. I dreamt about it that night. A co-worker (most likely tired of listening to me whine about the fucking crystal balls) suggested tiny little mini LED lights that she found at a local Home Hardware. They come with their own battery pack attached to one end and let you choose between settings of constant, flashing, and fading. The LED lights were tiny enough to fit through the holes in the crystal balls and I was ecstatic!!! I used a piece of florist wire to secure the bead over the light. In five minutes I had a sparkly #crowlife creation that I was in love with. Lesson learned: Don’t pass over something you fall in love with just because you can’t immediately figure out a way to use it. 

~C. Dolly~

1-IMG_6074

DIY

Trailer Park Princess Cups

 

img_2415

Who doesn’t love red solo cups? You see them and instantly know you’re in for a good time. The insulated red solo cups are the shit because they don’t tip over as easily and last longer.

We fell in love with this “classy” version of blinged-out red solo cups.

We checked out different suggestions for glue on Pinterest and it was a true nightmare. I’m not sure how many people tested the products that they claimed were the “best thing ever!” or if they were just copy/pasting from different articles but we’ve never been so glad that we tested out a craft ahead of time.

IMG_5867

Our first glue tested and one of the two most highly recommended in You Tube videos and on Pinterest was “Quick Grip.” As suggested, we used rubbing alcohol to clean the bottom of the cups and the top of the glass candle holder. Following the directions on the package, we used the Quick Grip on the candle holder and placed it onto the the bottom of the red solo cup. It seemed to hold so we continued on and finished putting our 12 princess cups together. After letting the glue dry for longer than the suggested time, we picked up the first cup and it fell apart. Dread settled in as we checked the other cups and realized that none of the cups were going to stay attached. We then removed the glue, quite easily, and again cleaned the cups and holders with rubbing alcohol. The second most recommended glue was “E6000.” We only put one cup together this time and had the same results as with the first glue. So it was off to the store to pick up some “Crazy Glue” which also failed.

IMG_5874

We looked at our bejeweled glue guns, which we had decided against at the beginning because we were worried the hot glue would damage the plastic cups. The hot glue actually worked…for our trial decorating session, anyways. We prepared the other 10 glasses and let them sit for a week.

Once the party day arrived, we had pretty much all of the bases fall off at one point or another. Most of the bases came off without any effort. One shattered on the ceramic tile floor and one landed on the laminate flooring (the base didn’t break but our friend holding the glass turned her glass upside down to see if it was her base that fell off and the alcoholic punch that she was drinking spilled all over the floor. Poor Dolly was saddened to be removed from getting her ‘doggy drink on,’ but a drunk pug is not a pretty pug.

Everyone decorated their glasses and had a great time, even with our ‘Basegate’ fiasco. The “Forever in Time” gem designs we purchased at Dollar Tree were great because they are so sticky that no glue was needed to attach them. The hot glue worked wonderfully for attaching single gems – C.Dolly

 

Cost per Princess Cup: $3 CAD each

  • Glass Candle Holder: $1.25 each at the Dollar Store
  • Insulated Red Solo Cups: $1.25 each at Michaels Craft Supplies
  • Gems & Glue Sticks: We had lots #crowlife

*I’ll sand the top surface of the candlestick and the bottom of the cup and try the glue again and update this post with my results. Until then, check the stability of your cup before drinking. Or hold both cup and stem while drinking 🙂 If anyone has any ideas or has had success with other products, let us know in the comments below.

DIY

Crow Life

IMG_5816

Crow Life…not as exciting as Thug Life but it’s the only life I know. I’m like a crow and in my head I totally sang that to the tune of “I’m Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado. Ooooohhh, Shiny!!!!!!

After the “Cocaine on the Carpet” caught my attention I noticed the glue gun on the cover of “A Hot Glue Gun Mess” and was mesmerized. It was so beautiful and crystally and I wanted one! Robin had a plethora (who doesn’t LOVE that word?) of crystals leftover from costumes and crafts so we decided to bling out our guns Mr.Kate style. Not real guns but our handy-dandy glue guns.

I’m pretty sure if we had real guns we would accidentally shoot each other while re-enacting “Charlie’s Angels.” Plus, who would take us seriously while we wielded our crystallized hand cannons? “Please Mr. Robber, give me a minute. A crystal fell off and it was the shiniest one!” or actual crows would swoop down to peck at the glittering work of art and the robber would have time to flee while I fought for my life like Tippi Hedren in Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”

All it took to recreate these beauties were the crystals and a hot glue gun to decorate. Robin used an extra glue gun to attach her crystals onto her new mini glue gun, which was the safest and easiest method. I plugged in my small go-to glue gun and used it to decorate itself. Even though it was warm, especially near the tip, it still worked fine and the crystals stayed in place. However, I had 99% of the shrieking “holy fucking shit” moments trying to peel off the crystal sticking to my skin with molten glue. The crystals were from a dollar store and we used about two packages per gun. One package of our main crystal colors and the second package had smaller crystals to fill in the spaces with contrasting colors to add little pops of color. When we finished our crafting, we were cradling our shiny glue guns like Golem, stroking them gently and whispering “My Precious.” – C. Dolly

Cost per gun: $5.50 CAD

  • Mini glue gun – $3 (Dollar Store)
  • Crystals – $1.25 x 2

Cost: $0 per gun  (If you use a gun you already own and are a crystal-hoarding crow.)