It Would Be So Empty Without Me (Thank you, Eminem)

lucaI thought it would be quick and easy to write this ‘About Me’. It’s definitely not easy and I’ve totally blanked out. Thinking about it, I realize that anyone who doesn’t suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) would probably have that ‘What the fuck do I say about myself?’ moment (hopefully, Robin didn’t finish her ‘About Me’ in record time so that I don’t have to add ‘rude bitch’ to this list.)

I’ve also come to realize that I’m awesome and I say that in a completely non-narcissistic way. I have two beautiful and funny girls and a sexy-ass husband. I’m not just saying that because I have to. They really are amazing, hilarious, exasperating, crazy and fucking annoying. Just like true family should be. I might love my grand-puppy more than my children, it just depends on the day. By branching out into other cuisines, I’m once again enjoying cooking. The working mom’s ‘What do I make for dinner?’ routine killed the desire to cook for anything other than the survival of my demon spawn for quite awhile. I have a vivid imagination which is a gift during the day and a curse when I’m trying to fall asleep or stay asleep. Luckily, I always remember my dreams because some of them are pretty fucked up.

The people who know me are waiting for this: Most of all, I love horror movies. It’s my Mom’s fault. I remember, as a small child, watching “Jaws” while curled up with her on the couch and every time the impending shark attack theme music would begin, I would cover my head with a blanket until the music stopped. The love of horror movies and all things “Zombie” has only grown since that damn shark propelled itself into my life!

C-Dolly (Carla)


A Behind the Scenes Look That Will Reveal How I Walk on Water.

36jqrsI am a 40 something year old who acts (and sometimes dresses) like I’m 12. Seriously, I still sit at the kids table for family dinners – they’re usually way more entertaining than the adults and are less judgemental. I have 2 grown ass children who still live at home and I lovingly wash and fold their laundry (which could be why they still live at home), but they are funny and hilarious and I don’t ever want them to leave. I am also a proud stepmother to my husband’s oldest daughter and grandma to her two beautiful children who live too far away for my liking.

I have 3 dogs who are also my children. They have super bad manners and get treats just for existing. They sleep on my bed and are the best cock blockers known to man. Never want to have sex again? Place a lab, a chihuahua and a pug in between you and your significant other.

I have the shortest attention span known to man and have questionable morals.  I happen to think that ‘Fuck’ is the best word in the english language since it can be used as an adverb, an adjective or a verb. There is no other word quite so descriptive. I am not the person you would choose to babysit unless you ran out of every other option. My children were often the only shockingly short people in the theatre for movies like ‘Lord of the Rings’ and ‘Austin Powers’ but were not allowed to watch ‘The Simpsons.’ I don’t know why, but I’m sure I had a fantastic reason at the time. They were also taught to have respect and manners and to know that if they were swearing it had to at least be used correctly. I feel like we had a wonderful mix of crazy hard ass rules and freedom to express all at the same time.

I love to craft, take pictures, entertain, drink wine and eat. I think I may actually be allergic to exercise, but LOVE pole and anything aerial. I am also, interestingly enough, terrified of heights and suffer from vertigo (which pole is helping with).

I also strongly believe that life is too short to wear boring underwear. – R.Dolly (Robin)