Top 10

Top 10 Phallic Food Fails

Epic food fails are a given when you spend any amount of time in the kitchen. If you manage to have a phallic food fail and you serve it to your family and friends before realizing your mistake, it’s going to be mentioned at every single family dinner for the rest of your life. If you happen to make that same mistake while serving/selling it in a bakery, restaurant or grocery store, be prepared to find your creation pop up on various blogs, google searches and even having it become dreaded “the things memes are made of.”

1. 

These Peppa Pig cookies were placed in a bakery window to catch the eye of passing children. They caught the eye of George, 21, who posted the photo on Facebook with the caption, ‘So I found these “Peppa Pig” cookies in a bakery…They make me feel uncomfortable.’ Well, George, let’s hope you were being sarcastic and that you actually found a bit of humor in coming across these delicious little morsels while going about your day. The alternative would be that you’re way too uptight and probably need to be consoled by your mama. While penis is the first thing I see when I look at them, young children would likely see only their beloved Peppa Pig. I would’ve totally posted the same photo on Facebook, but in mine, I would’ve been taking a big bite of the “nose” and captioned it, “I could eat these all day!!”

2. tesco.jpg

Picture yourself trudging through another boring weekly grocery shopping experience and lo and behold, you come to the diary section to find this sitting on the shelf. It took me quite a while to figure out what Tesco was actually trying to convey with their branding design for buttermilk. The bend in the carton on the right carton makes it even better, in my dirty-minded opinion. Had I came across this in the dairy aisle, I would’ve happily put that untried brand of buttermilk in my cart. On second thought, maybe the branding company knew exactly what they were doing.

3. turkey

When my girls were little, I’d scour the grocery stores and bakery for themed cakes, cupcakes or cookies for various holidays. Sadly, many of the cakes I came across would look like the above photo. It’s a lot harder to make a turkey look like a turkey and not a penis than one would think. I know, because I tried to make my own one year and failed miserably. Unfortunately, I’ve scoured my photo boxes and couldn’t find the photos of my phallic fail. Photos developed from film are a lot harder to keep track of and organize than digital photos.

4.

Can you imagine the excitement Julia, an amateur baker, felt when she was chosen to compete on a television baking competition in the UK. The Great British Bake Off has been running since 2010 and has been credited with “reinvigorating interest in baking throughout the UK.” Julia’s creation had one of the male judges struggling to get his laughter and tears under control. I had the same reaction when I saw this “snail coming out of it’s shell.” The best comment was by the show themselves, “Julia’s snail. An early riser.”

5. 

This cookie cutter is another holiday cookie fail. Even with the colourful icing decorating this cookie, all I see is balls and penis.

6. Dodgy-looking-sausages

Sometimes most of the branding of a product can be perfect. The design of the label can be classic, colourful and pull the consumer in. Then, along comes the actual packaging. I don’t think a lot has to be said about this packaging fail. I’d have a lot of fun serving these at a family dinner and watching everyone’s reactions.

7. bacon-wrapped-smoked-italian-sausages-5.jpg

These actually look delicious! Bacon? Good! Smoked sausage? Good! Fresh baked sausage buns? Gooooood! Yes, they’re the most phallic looking thing on this list and I can’t wait to bite into one of these juicy, succulent smokies.

8. ehouzushi-eating.jpg

Sushi rolls have always looked phallic to me. During a family sushi making day, I’ve even been guilty of shaping mine to be almost anatomically correct and then having them take a picture of me biting into it like the above photo. Apparently, I’m just really bad at organizing my photos because I can’t find a digital copy of it anywhere.

9. 8c3ffb1666aaf72d8ad4c112a2ca3b62.jpg

Who doesn’t love a good Dick Poppin’? These Dick Pops…I mean, chocolate covered bananas are definitely appropriate for say a gathering with the girls. Probably not appropriate for a school function.

10. delish-fails-pickle-dogs.gif

The sign of a great food blog is their ability to make fun of themselves and still put out a great recipe. Delish has some great recipes and with the creation of every great recipe is the chance of failure. Thankfully, they published the article Delish’s Biggest Food Fails of 2017 Are Totally NSFW. “Normally, when someone says a recipe’s ‘pornographic’, they mean it’s so hot you can’t stand it. Here, we were literally debating whether to blur out the action entirely. Instead, we put it on loop, so it can mortify you until the end of time.” I’ve included their Pickle Dog recipe for your enjoyment.

~C. Dolly~

 

 

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