I’m a pretty crafty person and have made numerous things of beauty with these hands but never, in my whole entire life, have I ever had so much fucking fun creating something. Something that was not beautiful. Something that would revolt at first glance. I almost feel sad when I think about this creation. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come up with an April Fool’s joke that will surpass this one. A part of me feels like I hit my pinnacle at a relatively young age with this joke. Where do I go from here? Can I ever achieve a higher standard of ick? The other part of me says ‘Fuck that! You killed it! Some people don’t ever have the chance to hit the April Fool’s jackpot.”
I work at a library and I love my job and co-workers. So one day, I was sitting quietly while trying to come up with an April Fool’s joke to play on my co-workers. I started scrounging around through a pile of books that were donated and going to be stored for a future book sale. When low and behold, what did thine eyes landeth upon?
Small Game Taxidermy. It was as if the book pulsed with a glowing light, calling to me. Actually, it was just sitting there in the box but that just sounds so blah. Anyhow, I grabbed the book and put a barcode on it, made a spine label for it and prepared it just like we prepare our books before they go on the shelf for people to borrow. No one that I worked with would’ve (or did) question if it was one of our books. I’m that good at my job.
I had a whole week to prepare this masterpiece and my excitement was completely unappreciated by my horror-hating husband. I guess waking him up at midnight waving the Magic Bullet full of “blood” in his face and asking if it looked more like “fresh blood” or “congealed blood” wasn’t the best way to ask for his opinion. However, that didn’t stop me from waking him up 3 more times to see if this batch was “better.” I admit that I actually enjoyed his reactions. It made me feel evil and really warm and fuzzy inside. I found the perfect recipe for my blood here.
I had already made my “flesh” with the recipe below. For the canine teeth, I chewed white gum (while at work) which made it even more diabolical and then sneakily shaped them into canines and let them dry out.
I cut tail hair from my poor dogs Daisy and Sprokit. They donated willingly but I did end up giving them a Beggin’ Strip for compensation. I placed the book into a Ziploc bag. I poured a little bit of blood on the flesh, rubbed it in (It puts the lotion on it’s skin) and placed it into the bag. Next went in the tail hair and teeth. I poured blood into the bag and sealed it up. I attached a “Sorry” note to the front of the Ziploc (written with my left hand) and delivered my surprise. I parked down the street from work at 9:30 when I knew everyone that had the misfortune of working that day was present and before we opened for the day so that I had access to the night book drop. I crept towards the building so that they didn’t see me in the windows, slid that book in the drop and did a weird creep/run back to my car. I smiled the whole way home and could hardly wait until later that afternoon when I dropped in to say “Hi!”
I walked into the staff area and saw The Book lying on my desk with plastic gloves sitting beside it. They had been horrified, disgusted and in true panic mode until they scanned the book to see who had borrowed it and saw that the barcode didn’t exist in the system. The book also was sent around to the two other main branches in our weekly shipment to show them how amazing I was. Okay, maybe not how amazing I was, but how lucky they were that I wasn’t working in their branch.
Fake Flesh Recipe
- Elmer’s white glue
- Mix together equal parts of flour and corn starch
- Add glue and mix until you get a doughy substance.
- Roll out this dough to end up with a slab of ‘skin’.
*As the flesh dries you can bend it and the surface will crack and look more realistic.
*After a couple of hours it dries hard (and shrinks a little bit) but looks the same. You can paint it or because I was putting it in a bag with my homemade blood, I let the blood color it.