Top 10

Top 10 Reasons You Might Be Single On Valentine’s Day

alone

  1. Personal hygiene – Showers, toothpaste, deodorant and laundry detergent are all important discoveries that are a necessity to finding another human willing to spend time with you. You could find someone unwilling, but that would be a whole other issue to add onto your list of issues.
  2. Selfishness – Note to the selfish bitches and assholes wandering the planet: hey, guess what? You’re not that special. Nobody owes you anything and finding someone who will happily spend the rest of their lifetime serving your whiny ass should be considered a miracle. So, if you think that the world revolves around you and have managed to find someone who loves you…keep them. Forever. And ever.
  3. Cheating – This one should be self-explanatory and an automatic Get-The-Fuck-Out card, but there are some couples who manage to stay together and have the infidelity be a one and done thing. If karma was real and you’ve had your dick or vag where it doesn’t belong, you’d be a Valentine’s “Single Again” (a painting by one of my favorite artists Angelina Wrona.) singleagain
  4. Unmotivated – Everyone has days that they want to do absolutely nothing. I’ve had a few days throughout my existence where pajamas, junk food, microwaveable food, netflix and reading are basically the extent of my daily aspirations. If this is your daily routine, this might be why you’re single and living in mommy and daddy’s basement.
  5. Unrealistic Valentine’s Day Expectations – Are you that crazy bitch who expects the world to stop, revolve around you for one day, and then continue on it’s normal rotation? The type of temporarily insane woman who expects diamonds, proposals, rooms filled with roses and candles, bottles of Cristal and pretty much the soul of whoever you’re with? I’ve met fun and amazing women who turn into a Valentinezilla on February 14th. Heaven help the poor unsuspecting soul who wakes up to that without any type of pre-warning system notification.
  6. Annoying – Everyone has met at least one person who annoys the fuck out of them. If you happen to be that person for most of the people you meet, welcome to our Top 10.
  7. Opinionated – Opinions and healthy debates are an important way to create a better future and encourage personal growth. Unfortunately, there are some people who base their opinion on emotions not facts. They don’t listen to anyone else and just keep regurgitating the same argument over and over…about every single topic of conversation…until you want to bang your head, or theirs, against a wall.
  8. Hoarder – Guess what’s not romantic? Going home with someone on Valentine’s Day and walking into this:    hoard
  9. Future subject of an episode of “My Strange Addiction” –  a) Evan enjoys pulling hair from shower drains. In social situations, he heads straight to the bathroom and compulsively pulls hair out of the homeowner’s shower drain. b) Riley, a transgender woman from New York, lives her life as an adult baby and refuses to grow up. She sleeps in a crib, drinks out of a bottle, and even wears diapers 24 hours a day. Unless, you meet someone who’s okay with changing your diapers or is cool knowing that your pockets will be filled with stranger’s drain hair when you get home from a night out, then welcome to Lonely City: population 1. 
  10. Unlucky – Why would unlucky be on this list, you ask? There are people who fit into not just one, but all of the above categories who’ve managed to find a significant other. That’s mind-blowing. So, take heart and know that if a smelly, selfish, cheating, unmotivated, temporarily insane, annoying, opinionated, hoarding, strangely addicted human being can find someone to spend their Valentine’s Day with, then there’s hope for you, too.

~C. Dolly~

 

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