Tuesday Ramblings

Dickstracted Driving

I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it a million more. Social media is completely and utterly fascinating. It’s like a black pit of emotions ranging from amusing to hysterical and frustrating to ‘stupid people are going to make the world implode’ anger.
I honestly don’t understand how a discussion about a new city bylaw concerning transport trucks no longer being allowed to park on a poorly designed, winding, narrow and unlit two lane road turns into local truckers saying, “You hate truckers”, “you don’t realize how important truckers are”, “without truckers you’d have no food in your stores” and “maybe the unappreciated truckers should stop delivering to your stores and see how you like it.” I’d love for the trucker to wear a GoPro while telling his boss that the company’s merchandise can no longer be delivered to a certain town because they don’t have parking right beside a 7-11 or Tim Hortons.

It’s like watching grown-ass men and women morphing into 4 year olds laying on the floor having a tantrum because they don’t get their way – and then accusing everyone else of being an unappreciative, selfish, crappy driver. Nobody was saying that their job is unimportant, that they didn’t have to drive long hours or that they don’t deserve to have a proper parking area south of town. There should 100% be a truck stop or designated parking lot in the only area of town where the businesses are open 24 hours. The road in question is not that place. There’s only one business nearby who will let the trucks park in their overflow area because of damage to their property and there were enough disgusting, lazy, self-entitled assholes who left bottles of their own urine sitting on the pavement.  

That brings me to the main reason for this article. If you’ve read my article “Asthmatic Zombie” you know how my thought process works. I think about weird shit and my mind runs with it. Creating visuals as it motored along in it’s quest for knowledge, my brain caught on the same two words in multiple comments during the No Parking thread – “Piss Jug.” Sadly, I’ve now spent way too much time thinking about those piss bottles. More specifically, the mechanics of filling the bottles.

“Dick in a bottle”

Driving while talking on a cell phone, texting or using Facebook (checking to see how many likes your new selfie has garnered since you left home. #youarenotthatimportant #getsomeselfesteem) is considered distracted driving. I completely agree with that law and seeing people texting while driving pisses me off.

Imagine, like I have been, a trucker in control of a fully loaded semi driving along, minding his own business and all of a sudden the third coffee he recently finished drinking is dying to get out. If he pulled over to the side of the road, like every other man and pregnant woman does, and urinated in the ditch there wouldn’t be a problem (or the need for a jug). However, piss jugs being left in random parking lots tells a different story. A story about being important and time schedules. A story about pink eye and E. Coli. A story about distracted driving.

Unzipping the pants, pulling the dick from the underwear, wrangling that sucker to line up with the bottle opening (or sliding it right into the bottle opening, if you’re that unfortunate in life), urinating (judging by the aiming abilities of guys hitting the great big hole on an actual toilet, I’m going to guess that there will be urine dribbled down the bottle and also the hand holding the bottle), putting the cap on the bottle, putting the urine coated bottle somewhere (hopefully not the cup holder), putting the dick away, zipping up the pants and digging out a disinfecting wipe (please, please, please let them use a 99.9% effective disinfecting wipe!!!!)

If that doesn’t scream distracted driving, I don’t know what does.

~C. Dolly~


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