I am thankful for the friends who have braved the experience of being in my life. Many of them are older (marginally) and wiser (significantly) than myself, so they have the arduous task of instilling me with wisdom. One of the gems that has been proffered is the menopausal window into the future. There are articles out there that compare the experience to a beautiful lotus flower (because said flower had to work really hard to rise up out of the mud, bloom and become an amazing symbol of rebirth and spiritual enlightenment).
As far as I can tell, you must feel extremely spiritual after menopause because you’ll never want to have sex ever again. Why would you? Apparently your vagina has packed its bags and moved on to greener pastures. Vaginal atrophy, diminished sexual desire, thinning and brittle hair, dry skin, night sweats, mood swings, a weakening pelvic floor which leads to incontinence, and weight gain due to slowed metabolism are just a few of the pleasures women have to look forward to. Since I’m not a doctor, I doubt I can do anything about the majority of these symptoms, but I’m sure not going to gain anymore weight than I already have.
Enter the Glory Bowl, a.k.a Buddha Bowl, Nourish Bowl, Hippie Bowl, Rainbow Bowl and many other names that I don’t care to research or know. They’re all the same damn thing as far as I can tell. I first became aware of the Glory Bowl, which is not to be confused with the Glory Hole, when I was perusing the Whitewater Cooks cookbook by Shelley Adams. About once a year I make a commitment to improve my health and start eating better. I don’t like waste, so I get rid of all my junk food by eating it. That’s step one. Next, I purchase new healthy cookbooks that promise me renewed energy, glowing skin and a smaller waistline. I read the cookbooks like a novel, tag the appropriate recipes, buy the groceries, and a week later throw everything out because it went bad.
To give you a little bit of context, I was blessed/cursed with an unusually fast metabolism as a child and teenager. I was skinny (not slim) in the 90s when baggy jeans were all the rage. In case you need a visual, 5’8″, 110lb girls do nothing for the baggy jean trend. It’s like fashion hated me. I wore boy clothes, but not teenage boy clothes – little boy clothes – from Zellers. An eight year old’s jogging pants were my new cool capris. Since I spent my formative years trying to gain weight, I don’t have the best eating habits. I loved all you can eat deals in restaurants and was not above unbuttoning my pants at the table. Now that I’m getting older and my metabolism hates me, I’m having to make adjustments. Enter the Glory
Hole Bowl. Basically it’s taking healthy food and putting it in a bowl instead of on a plate. Then you don’t see it all at once and you can still pretend that there’s a pork chop hiding underneath it all. It’s like the Empty the Fridge Soup that your parents made you as a child, but this you can take a picture of and put on your Instagram. All you need is roasted or raw vegetables of your choice (I like yams, beets, broccoli and zucchini), grains (brown rice, quinoa, bulgur, couscous, etc…), protein such as chickpeas, beans or tofu (I do not like tofu, but that’s up to you), a leafy green (a.k.a. salad in a bag) and the dressing of your choice – bonus points if it contains nutritional yeast, not vaginal yeast, but just for fun I’ll link you to this fascinating article that no one believed when I told them, The Woman Who Made Sourdough Bread Using Yeast From Her Vagina Just Ate the Bread.
Just like I swore I would keep my virginity until I married, I’m going to give this my best effort to eat one of these things once a day until I die. Because as I have been informed, fermented grapes do not count towards your daily intake of fruits and vegetables and unless I start getting my shit together and start drinking some water and eating vegetables, I’m going to die before I have the chance of hitting menopause. Hopefully I will be more successful with this than I was with the virginity thing. I’ll keep you posted.
– C.U.NextTuesday, R.Dolly