“People watching or crowd watching is the act of observing people and their interactions. It involves picking up on idiosyncrasies to try to guess at another person’s story. This includes speech in action, relationship interactions, body language, expressions and activities.”
Since I was little, I’ve subconsciously watched people around me. I’ve never done it in a degrading way. I find human interactions fucking fascinating and when I was in Las Vegas there was a plethora of specimens to observe. “Actions speak louder than words” is the best way to describe what you can learn while watching others around you. You learn who people are and what their character traits are by watching how they interact with the world and by paying attention to how they treat and interact with others.
- The Know-It-All – I don’t know which person is more enjoyable to watch. The person who thinks they’re always right and will defend that position until their last gasp of poisoned brown air or the person who actually is right and is trying to state their reasons why they’re right. Even if the answer was sitting right between the two people, glowing hot pink and waving frantically at The Know-It-All, that bitch would still argue that they were right. It’s not enjoyable when it’s yourself trying to talk to The Know-It-All – unless you find a way to have fun with them. Here’s a tip: make up something totally, ridiculously false that sounds true just to hear them argue about it because you know they’ll lose sleep for days to come by preparing their arguments for your next meeting.
- The Belligerent Drunk – Hopefully, this dude shows up with someone willing to wrangle them into a cab when they’ve worn out their welcome. The person who goes from laughing one minute to yelling and getting violent the next. Then, goes back to laughing. It’s a vicious circle that needs to be broken by going the fuck home.
- The Drunken Ho – The D.H. is a wily one. Usually they’re smart enough to attach themselves to single guys/girls. Every once in awhile, they go all no-fucks-given and try to get with an attached. Who’s attachee isn’t putting up with that shit. All hell breaks loose and it’s on. Like Donkey Kong.
- The Insecure Bitch – You know the one. The one who once upon a time dated, kissed, talked to or heard about the guy you’re with. The one who sits with her group of friends and says hi to everyone but you and then rolls her eyes and makes meaningful eye contact with the girls around her as you walk by. The one who really needs to find happiness within herself and stop photoshopping all her pictures because she’s truly beautiful just the way she is.
- The Text-A-Holic – This type of person isn’t only rude at a party. They’re assholes everywhere! This is the person who spends most of their time at a party talking to others while simultaneously texting because they’re either delusional and think they’re so fucking important that the world will end if they don’t respond to the text or they have low self-esteem and want to appear important. Either way, they should’ve just stayed home and sent texts to the people at the party because trying to have a conversation with someone who is saying “uh-huh” as they type furiously on their phone is a total fun-sucking experience. It’s completely acceptable to tell them they’re being a douchecanoe or, if you want to avoid the potential fallout, just walk away when they’re mid-text.
- The Stoner – They appear as if out of nowhere, cloaked in a cloud of smoke, like a chill magician full of eternal wisdom. They can be found lounging peacefully in a comfortable chair sharing the secrets to a fulfilling life or, in some cases, hiding in a shed frantically inhaling and waving the smoke away before someone with judgie eyes happens upon them.
- The It’s-All-About-Me – Not to be confused with The Drama Queen, The It’s-All-About-Me is the person who is loud and can’t refrain from butting into every conversation. However, instead of talking about other people, they focus on getting every single conversation back onto the most important subject–themselves. They will interrupt you mid-sentence to say they, or their children, did the same thing. But better. And faster. Before they were even born. You’ll never finish a sentence when they’re around and they’ll only move along to the next victims when their bat-like hearing picks up another topic of conversation they can be better at.
- The All-Up-On-Ya-Talker – Some people are oblivious to the “personal bubble.” I have a bubble and if you get all up in it and I don’t really know you, I have no problem telling you to back off. I’ve actually uttered the words “fuck off or die” on occasion. It creeps me out and actually makes my skin crawl. If I know you, and like you, the bubble disappears. While at a party, I was watching an extremely drunk guy talk to my husband, Derek. The Talker was weaving back and forth towards Derek, almost yelling, falling on him whenever he laughed and was totally oblivious to the look of horror on Derek’s face and the “help me” look he kept giving me. I would’ve saved him but, quite frankly, I was so relieved and kind of excited that it was happening to someone else and I could observe. I was surprised to see how much restraint my man had and how he effectively dealt with the situation (if you call “effective” pawning the talker off on someone else and then spending the rest of the night ducking and weaving to remain out of his line of sight.)
- The Unknown – Probably the most feared of all party guests, The Unknown really should walk into your house with the Jaws theme proceeding them. They usually end up being a lot of fun but every once in awhile, it’s a horrifying train wreck that’s invited to cross the threshold. Like a vampire. And while you may want to sharpen a stake in preparation for the inevitable, it’s a highly frowned upon solution. By the time they’ve been forcefully removed, they’ve managed to drip food out of their mouths and back into the food bowls, onto the Drama Queen, on the floor and down their permanently stained wife-beater.
- The Drama Queen – The Drama Queen doesn’t just focus on herself. She’s a multi-tasking maniac: She will cut The Know-It-All down to size for not agreeing with her; spread gossip about The All-About-Me because she’s taking her limelight ; freak out about the drink that The All-Up-On-Ya dribbled on her; use her judgie eyes on The Stoner; scream at The Text-A-Holic for ignoring her; make The Insecure Bitch even more insecure; throw the food that The Unknown spilled on her back into his face; push The Belligerent Drunk so far past anger that he’s sitting in a safe place rocking back and forth while sobbing; and goes all Donkey Kong on The Drunken Ho for trying to attach to her boyfriend. She’s a fascinating creature to watch because the next aneurysm inducing catastrophe is just around the corner.