I love anything magical, paranormal, and fantastical. While horror movies and zombies are at the top of my list, I also love: dragons, wizards, fairies and the like. I’m all-inclusive when it comes to anything out of the norm. I also have a dirty fucking mind. It’s a curse because, depending on who I’m with at the time, I can’t always share the first thing that pops into my head. Censoring shit is truly exhausting! Unfortunately, for all y’all, when I read this article on Litha, the staff that popped into my head wasn’t created with wood from a tree. All I could picture while reading this article was dick (sorry, mom). I’ve broken the article into paragraphs with the original article’s paragraph first and then my interpreted paragraph following. Here is a link to the original from ThoughtCo.
“Many Pagans use a magical staff in rituals and ceremonies. While it’s not a required magical tool, it can come in handy. The staff is typically associated with power and authority, and in some traditions only the High Priestess or High Priest carries one. In other traditions, anyone may have one. Much like the wand, the staff is considered symbolic of male energy, and usually is used to represent the element of Air (although in some traditions, it symbolizes Fire). Like other magical tools, the staff is something you can make yourself, with a little bit of effort. Here’s how:”
Many Pagans use a “magical staff” for rituals and ceremonies. The staff is typically associated with the power and authority the High Priestess wields over it. Any woman can own one, if they so choose. Much like the smaller and less effective wand, the staff is symbolic of male energy and can represent the element of air or fire. If you luck out and find a staff that represents hot, burning-out-of-control fire, you’re gonna be one happy girl. Like other magical tools, the staff is something you can create if you know how to work it. Depending on the staff and the level of power you wield, it can take little effort or a lot of effort to create.
Step 1: Choose your wood
“If you get a chance to go on a hike, while you’re out there roaming around you should take the opportunity to look for a good piece of wood for a magical staff. Ideally, you’ll want to find a piece of wood that has already fallen from a tree — do NOT cut a piece of wood from a live tree just because you think it would make a nice staff.”
While out roaming the lands with your other Priestess Bitches, keep your eye out for a good piece of wood to claim as your very own magical staff. Ideally, you’ll want to find wood that has separated itself from whatever it had previously become attached to — do NOT claim a piece of wood that is still attached just because you think it would make a “nice staff.”
“A magical staff is typically long enough that you can hold it comfortably in your hand, vertically, and have it touch the ground. Your best bet is to find one that is between shoulder height and the top of your head. Hold the stick to see how it feels in your hand — if it’s too long, you can always trim it down. When it comes to diameter, you should be able to comfortably wrap your fingers around it. A one- to two-inch diameter is best for most people, but again, hold it and see how it feels.”
A magical staff is typically long enough that you can hold it comfortably in both hands, vertically. Also, make sure it doesn’t touch the floor. That would be a slow, painful death. Hold the stick to see how it feels in your hand — if it’s too long, you can NOT trim it down. When it comes to diameter, you should be able to comfortably wrap you’re fingers around it, but again, hold it and see how it feels.
Step 2: Remove the bark (and sap)
“To remove the bark from your stick, you can use a knife (not your athame, but a regular knife) to strip the bark. This will also help you to shape the staff, if there are small irregularities on it, or to remove excess bits of branches.”
To remove the bark from your stick…who are we kidding here. Unless your last name is “Bobbitt” you NEVER want to put a knife near your wood and you definitely don’t want to use a knife to remove “irregularities” or “excess bits.” Take your wood to the nearest Pagan healer to fix that shit. As for re-shaping the staff, if you’re occasionally looking for a little variety in your wood, there are many merchants or “penis peddlers” in your vicinity who, for a little coin, you can purchase all shapes and sizes of wood. Some even “magically” vibrate all on their own!!
“With some varieties of wood, you may want to soak the staff so that the bark is wet, making it easier to strip off. Some types of wood, such as pine, are easy enough to strip the bark off by hand if you choose.”
With some varieties of wood, you may want to soak the staff so that the wood becomes wet, making it easier to get off. Some types of wood are easier to get off, especially wood that’s previously only been self-handled. Most types of wood are easy enough to remove the sap by hand, if you choose.
“Use a piece of light-grained sandpaper, or steel wool, to sand the wood down until it is smooth.”
No. Just fucking no.
Step 3: Finishing your staff
“Once you’ve got your wood shaped and sanded, you have a couple of options. You may want to drill a small hole at the top so you can insert a leather thong — this comes in handy when you’re waving your staff around in ritual, because you can put the thong around your wrist and reduce the chances of accidentally flinging your staff across a room. If you like, you can also decorate it by carving or burning symbols of your tradition into it, adding crystals or beads, feathers, or other charms into the wood.”
Once you’ve got your wood “finished” you may want to cover it with a leather thong. This comes in handy when you’re waving your staff around during a ritual to reduce the chance of your staff being accidentally flung across the room (the images that original sentence invoked made me laugh out loud while sitting in a crowded coffee shop.) If you like, you can also decorate your staff with a bedazzler (hey, if bitches are crazy enough to bedazzle their vajayjay they are probably crazy enough to bedazzle their new wood. #crowlife.)
“It’s generally not considered necessary to use a polyurethane finish on the staff, and in many traditions it’s believed that to use a synthetic finish will block the magical energies. However, some people choose to oil their staff to give it a light shine – if you do this, use an oil that is plant-based, rather than petroleum-based.”
It’s generally not considered necessary to use a lubricated finish on the staff, and in many traditions it’s believed that to use a synthetic finish will block the magical energies. However, some people choose to lube their staff to give it a light shine. I prefer using naturally produced vag-based lube to give it that special shine. However, if you like using an alternative lube, make sure you use water-based lube and not petroleum-based.
Step 4: Consecrate your staff
“In many modern Pagan traditions, magical tools are consecrated before use. This achieves a couple of things — one, it purifies the item before it is used to interact with the Divine. Secondly, it removes any negative energies from the tool. This is particularly handy if you aren’t sure of a tool’s past history or who owned it before it came to you.”
***Holy fucking fuckity-fuck!!!!! That paragraph didn’t even need changes! It worked perfectly. I can’t wait to see what my husband’s reaction will be when I ask if his wood wants to interact with “The Divine.”