Tuesday Ramblings

The Toothless Wonder

 


I’ve learned that I’m great in an emergency…if I’m the only adult available. Years ago, a neighbor girl, who played with our girls daily, was riding her bike on our street when her brakes seized up and she toppled over her handlebars and her chin hit the pavement. We had just passed her riding her bike and the girls and I were carrying groceries into the house when we heard her running down the road. There was still snow on the lawn but the streets were clear. When she came tearing through our yard, all i saw was blood dripping down her face, down her jacket and onto the crisp white snow.

I couldn’t actually see what was wrong with her face so I went inside, woke my husband up, told him to call her mom at work and grabbed a wet cloth. I say that like I was totally calm the entire time. In fact, I was completely calm and composed when I was dealing with the little girl. However, as soon as I ran into the bedroom for the cloth and to wake my husband up, I lost my shit. He couldn’t even understand what he was supposed to do before I ran back outside with the cloth. I calmly told her to put the cloth on her face and I would be right back. I ran back to the bedroom and screeched “Did you call her, yet????” Derek said he would have but he didn’t know why he was calling her because all I had said was to call her mom. So, I grabbed the phone and called her mom at work and asked her to meet me at emergency. Her mom asked if it was really that bad. I asked her to wait and I would have another look. I ran back outside and sweetly asked her daughter to remove the cloth from her face. I took one look and said “Okay, honey. Let’s just put that cloth back on your face.” I went back to the bedroom and said “Meet us at emergency.”

I left my girls at home with Derek and buckled the little neighbor girl into the car. The drive to the hospital went well until a little old lady was crossing the street just before the hospital. I yelled out “Move it or lose it, grandma!” The windows were closed and she was probably hard of hearing so I don’t think she heard me. Thankfully, the little girl was in shock and didn’t remember that little tidbit.

We made it to emergency and her mom was there waiting for us to arrive. I waited until they started to stitch her up. The doctor said that it looked like the inside of her mouth had exploded like an overripe tomato. I got back in my car to head home and ended up sitting in the parking lot for about 20 minutes until I stopped shaking. I was very proud of myself for adulting in such a calm way and saving a life.

Fast forward to about two months ago. We have a 15 year old poodle/papillon named Daisy. She has lost all of her teeth and sleeps most of the day. That little bitch is a tough little thing, though. She doesn’t put up with any of the other dogs shit. If they come near her she turns and growls and does this high pitched little bark thing. We also have a new puppy named Luca.

I was giving the dogs some treats. The big dogs got theirs first and walked into the living room to eat them. I turned and was giving Daisy her treat in the hallway when Luca ran up behind me. When Luca runs, he looks so fucking happy. He looks like he is smiling with his teeth hanging out and everything. Well, he was running full tooth ahead and when Daisy heard him coming and turned to scare him off, his tooth went into her head. Through her skull and into her sinus cavity. All I saw was what looked like him biting her and pulling backwards, dragging her with him. I screamed for Derek, who was downstairs. Rachelle started screaming. Daisy got loose and ran into the bathroom yiking and shaking, a trail of blood following her.

Derek came upstairs and swooped Daisy up. He grabbed a towel and put her on the table to see what had happened. Meanwhile, I’m standing over by the sink, with my arms wrapped around myself, crying and closing my eyes so that I don’t actually have to see if she is going to live or die. Rachelle is standing by the kitchen doorway, crying and wailing “OH MY GOD, Luca has the taste of blood!!!!! We’re gonna have to put him down!!!”

Derek, however, is still patiently trying to see where the blood is coming from. Daisy started to choke on the blood as it was draining down her throat. Rachelle and I started sobbing harder. He wiped her face and blood started coming out of the hole in her skull. Rachelle phoned an after-hours vet and she said she would meet us at her office. I phoned Sarah and told her what had happened and she met us at the vet, as well. Once the vet checked Daisy out, she explained that the tooth had gone in and out. Luca didn’t actually bite with his bottom jaw as the only damage was that one hole above her nose. So when he was pulling backwards, he was just trying to get her off his tooth. We ended up getting antibiotics and anti-inflammatories for her and brought her home.

When we got Daisy home and snuggled in, Rachelle asked Derek how he stayed so calm. He looked at Rachelle and I and said “Well, if I didn’t stay calm, the vet would have taken one look at you two idiots and taken Daisy away from us to find her a stable home.”

Which, is true. In my defence, well, okay, there is no defence. I really was more of a hindrance in this particular situation. Daisy is alive and still our toothless little wonder. – C. Dolly

 

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Tuesday Ramblings

“Live Like You Were Dying”

cassette-recorderI owe my love of country music to the two people who I loved first. Thanks to my mom and dad, I grew up listening to Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, and George Jones. When I was in grade 5, I received a tape recorder for my birthday. It was the most amazing thing I had ever been given and it made me the coolest kid in school.  Not being one to put off a surprise, I woke up at the crack of midnight and opened my gift by myself, because it was technically my birthday (and yes, my mom was really mad the next morning). I sat on the bathroom floor and listened to the first tape I could find – which happened to be the one and only, Hank Williams. I listened to ‘Your Cheatin’ Heart and Kaw-Liga until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I probably lost some cool kid cred at school with my music selection that first week, but I eventually expanded my musical collection to include Bryan Adams and Cyndi Lauper – which made my friends much happier.

During the last few months, and in particular, the last few weeks, I have analyzed life, death and everything in between. Life can’t always be pretty, and sometimes we learn the most and feel the most when it’s a mess. When it comes down to it, I don’t think that anyone ever thinks that their life was lived to the best of their ability and unlike Tim McGraw’s song, you often don’t have the time to “Live like you were dying” once you get the news. There sometimes isn’t the energy for sky diving or bull riding, but if you were lucky, you truly did life your life to the fullest while you were able. I am surrounded by friends and family who have worked hard for their entire lives and do not hesitate to help out their acquaintances whenever they can. I don’t know that anyone would ever feel like they’ve done enough or left enough of a mark on the world when they start to feel their time has come, but I hope that I always remember that success can’t be measured by the things I leave behind, but by the hospital room full of family and friends who love you.

As I get older, I have inevitably added more names to the list of people that I love, but the two people that I loved first will always hold a special place in my heart. We all go through trials and tribulations with those that we hold near and dear, and I would not take back any of them because they made us who we are. We aren’t at the end yet, and even though it’s hard, we will add it all to this experience we call life.  -R.Dolly

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Ramblings

The Sound of Mus…er…Urinals

I would love to become an architect just to fuck with people. The architect who designed the washrooms in our library sure had a sense of humor. To be born with that sense of humor, have that talent and make that much money…well, you know he’s getting all the chicks.

Let me show all you Dollies exactly what I’m talking about:
Edited bathroom

The labyrinth design with no doors blocking washroom access is fairly common in airports, malls, and stores. These are all busy and noisy public places. Where you probably shouldn’t see this design is in a library. This building was gutted and designed specifically for a library, including the washrooms. It’s a beautiful cavernous space with a two-story high ceiling and a solarium on one end which is used as a reading area. The men’s washroom is two steps into the washroom, and three steps over to the urinal. When a guy uses the urinal, the sound echoes throughout the whole library. 

This style has become popular because it’s less conducive to unwanted activity and it reduces the transmission of germs on door handles because some people are disgusting and don’t wash their pissy-ass hands. People can still do nefarious activities in a room with no door as they are still out of sight. The transmission of germs is decreased by having no handles. However, twice there has been shit smeared up the walls, on the floor and all over the toilet. I don’t mean ‘shit’ like ‘random stuff.’ I mean actual human feces. Finger-painted with the vigor of a kindergarten child creating their first work of art for their mom or dad. Plus, I don’t know how many times I’ve checked the washrooms at closing only to see a big puddle of urine underneath the urinal.

Guys, I know it’s a difficult concept for a few of you, but it’s supposed to go into the urinal…not underneath it. Your aim is terrible. I don’t even have a penis and I bet I could get it in the urinal if I did some ninja-like yoga move or propping of the leg up on the side of the urinal or some other sketchy shit. And guess what???? Even if I wasn’t 100% successful, I would totally fucking try!!!!

Unfortunately, those who already urinate everywhere except into the urinal, will re-offend in any style of public washroom. A solution would be to label one of the washrooms “Disgusting Pigs.” It could be made of stone with a big drain in the middle of the floor and shower heads in the ceiling which, once the door is locked and a switch is activated, it would spray the room down with bleach water using the shower heads and rotating lawn sprinkler heads to really get in and clean those easy to piss on surfaces. It would then be ready for the next day. Yes, I’ve put a lot of thought into this throughout my time there.

Check out this public washroom in Tokyo and the features it has (the wand idea is orgasmic):

 

“Each restroom at Tokyo’s new 13-story Daimaru department store is coordinated to match it’s particular floor’s ambience. But the real draw here is the bidet-style techno-toilets. Toto’s Washlets – ubiquitous in Japan, but refreshingly novel to those unfamiliar with them – feature a self-cleaning wand that extends to the middle of the basin, squirting temperature-controlled water at all the right angles. Press a button on the remote control to heat the ergonomically contoured seat or switch on the “sound princess,” to subtly disguise in-stall activities with recordings of running brooks or ocean waves.” – C.Dolly

 

Tuesday Ramblings

Let’s Have a Healthy Debate.

8fd49c46be388f92e233f5553a3a83c2My social feed has been overtaken with black and white. There is very little room for respectful debate or shades of grey (who else out there can never use that phrase again without laughing a little inside). Everyone is right, and no matter what opinion you have, you can find someone out there on the worldwide web to help reinforce your opinion. Everyone tries way too hard to create the illusion of a perfect life. Perfect husband, perfect house, perfect children and perfect political opinions and part of that it seems is never admitting your mistakes or exposing your flaws.

In my opinion, perfect is an illusion that is too hard to maintain and we need to start being okay with showing our imperfections, being proud of our battle wounds and asking for help when needed. Let’s try to show a little humility, humanity and respect. Maybe we can learn something new or stretch our thinking when we sit down with someone of an opposing view. They may not change our mind and I may not change theirs, but there’s something to be learned from simply hearing someone out. I for one am not going to put my children on a pedestal and tell them that “I may not be perfect, but when I look at you I know I got something perfectly right.” Talk about pressure! They are most definitely a work in progress and will be for many years. Just like their mom. Hey, guess what Facebook followers! I did NOT bake 3 dozen buns today, finish 5 loads of laundry and cook dinner. And if I did, I wouldn’t tell you about it because it’s boring and not anything I need virtual thumbs up for doing.

There are two things that I saw this week that summed up my sentiments exactly. One was a sign that said, “Please excuse the mess, the children are making memories being assholes.” (truth) and the other was this great Heineken commercial that I hope you all have either seen before or will watch now.  Whether you hate it or you love it, and both sides have valid points, it has people talking. – R.Dolly

Monthly Articles

Trailer Park Princess

17861581_1526967553981178_3428384196533705647_nThe snow has melted, the ice has come off the lakes and the grass is green! It’s time to dust the cobwebs out of the trailer and put on your favorite trailer park clothes! Let’s go camping! And, in case you are confused, We don’t mean camping out in the woods, we mean camping from the comfort of our respective home on wheels with full hook ups! These girls are not using an outhouse! We both have a fairly healthy dose of germophobia, and public washrooms and outhouses are not even in our vocabulary. Road trips are horrendous and I am careful not to hydrate at all until I reach my destination. I have been known to go HOURS, sometimes even days, without going to the washroom if my only option is an outhouse or a roadside truck stop. Not super healthy, or so I’ve been told. On the flipside though, we make excellent time!

To prep for the season, we decided to throw a ‘Trailer Park Princess’ party.  We dressed in our very best trailer park style (for our version, please see our Top 10 List for this month), made ourselves some Trailer Park Princess Cups, added some personality to tank tops with fabric paint and had ourselves some typical camping food and drinks (of course). Check out White Trash Cooking  and Wot in Tarnation?? for our May inspiration.

Trailer Park Princess Menu

Most importantly, we had the opportunity to make fun of a few common misconceptions/stereotypes and take home some fun projects:

Did we mention that the Jungle Juice was really fucking potent and so delicious? More than just The Dollies ended up trashed at the White Trash Party – The Dollies

Monthly Articles

Wot in Tarnation??

joe dirt

White trash, Redneck, Trailer Park Trash, Hillbilly. You’ve either heard the words or had them directed towards you. Admit it, every-fucking-one of us has done at least one thing in our lives that would fit into the stereotypical category of all of the above. We may regret our actions afterwards or we may not give a shit. Either way, it’s a part of life and anyone who says “I would never do anything like that!” is a delusional stuck-up bitch. Yes, I’ve met people like that and no, they are not in my life.

Some examples of questionable behavior within my friends and family could be:

  • Peeing on a fire while kids are trying to roast hot dogs
  • Waiting for a big ass dog to poop out the socks that he ate so you can wash them because “they were fucking expensive!”
  • Pulling a car out of the ditch using a dog leash attached to another car
  • Calling family to see if they want to come check out a moose they shot even though 2 of the legs have already been lopped off
  • Lighting fireworks and when one is a dud, throwing it into the campfire and having it go off, lighting chairs and trees on fire
  • A grown-ass man taking a kid’s small quad for a test drive and doing a wheelie. Having your pants fall far enough down your crack that when the quad tips a liiiiiittle too far back, your ass drags on the ground pulling your pants down further and you end up getting road rash on your ass.
  • Three guys moving a car to a property 5 minutes down the road and using a ratchet strap to attach the car to the truck because they are too cheap to hire a tow truck. 1 guy, knowing that the power steering and brakes don’t work, volunteering to ride in the broke down car. Once the guys in the truck get past the first sketchy turn it becomes playtime with no fucks given. Once the car is moving the steering kinda works but both feet practically standing on the brakes does nothing and he’s watching the guys in the truck laughing and having a great time while his life flashes before his eyes.
  • Opening a sock drawer to put your child’s socks away and seeing a squirrel, screaming, throwing socks and undies everywhere and then realizing that your child attempted his own taxidermy and stuffed the squirrel with paper towel and sewed it back up (Don’t be alarmed – the cute kid has grown up to be an amazing young man with no serial killer tendencies)

Personally, the things I will admit to are:

  • Having a cat drop a half chewed, still moving mouse on the kitchen floor just as I was serving dinner.
  • The expensive roast beast that I’d so lovingly prepared shooting off the end of the bbq spit onto the kitchen floor in front of my guests. That one was horrifying. The only thing I could think to do was rinse it off because it took hours to cook on the bbq and it took a lot of work to prepare: I had to peel the garlic cloves and make knife marks in the roast and push the garlic in. Fatiguing. Plus, when I cook a meal, everything goes together. I couldn’t very well just order a pizza. Clash of the Cuisines! My guests were like…nah, you’ll get rid of all the flavor if you rinse it off!!! 3 second rule. Since I had mopped just before dinner, I picked that slippery fucker up off of the floor, sliced it up, served it and had the best roast beast dinner ever!
  • Calling roast beef “Roast Beast” because my kids LOVE the Grinch all year long

To me, all of these are great memories. They make life fun and interesting. A little tiny part of me is horrified but the larger part is amazed at the ingeniousness of the people I love and choose to spend my time with. I’ve also realized that many of these encounters have occurred with the same people. I’m going to have to buy them a nice big jug of moonshine to show my appreciation for the laughter they have brought into my life – C.Dolly

Monthly Articles

White Trash Cooking

White Trash Cooking by Ernest Matthew Mickler

white trash

 

You know when you google something specific and get lost in the totally unrelated crap that the search produces and all of a sudden you realize that hours have gone by without you being able to find the answer to your original question or you’ve forgotten what your original question was in the first place? That’s how R-Dolly came upon this gem of a book.

I was able to track this book down at the library and also found a next generation nod to this book called “White Trash Gatherings” by Kendra Bailey Morris. I ordered both in and when they arrived we knew that we had our May inspiration.

According to the author of White Trash Cooking: “If someone asked me what sets White Trash cooking aside from other kinds of cooking, I would have to name three of the ingredients: saltmeat, cornmeal, and molasses. Every vegetable eaten is seasoned with saltmeat, bacon, or ham. Cornbread, made with pure cornmeal, is a must with every meal. Many foods are rolled in cornmeal before they are fried. For the sweetest pies and pones you ever sunk a tooth into, molasses is the one ingredient you can’t find a substitute for”

The White Trash Sushi recipe was taken from “White Trash Gatherings” which had more stories throughout the book. “White Trash Cooking” contained mostly recipes including fan favorites such as: Uncle Willie’s Swamp Cabbage Stew, Cooter Pie, Aunt Donnah’s Roast Possum, Butt’s Gator Tail, Dana Pullin’s Chicken Feet & Rice and Broiled Squirrel. Now, as difficult as it was to refrain from making one of these delicious sounding recipes, we had to take into account the tastes of our guests. Sarcasm doesn’t translate well through text so I’m going to add ‘I was being sarcastic!!!’ Just in case there are any doubts – C.Dolly

Miss Cyndi’s White Trash Sushi – White Trash Gatherings

“This nifty little appetizer is a great one to take to your next gatherin’ just to show everyone how much you appreciate other cultures.”

  • White Bread
  • 1 (8 ounce) block of cream cheese
  • Baby or midget dill pickles

Cut the crusts off your white bread. Cover the bread with a thick layer of cream cheese. The more, the better. Lay a pickle on the bread. Roll the bread around the pickle (just like sushi) and seal the edges (just smush ’em together). Cut into 3/4 inch slices and serve.

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