A Hot Glue Gun Mess by Mr. Kate
I was flipping through a book at work and the title of a chapter caught my eye.
“Cocaine on the Carpet.”
Yes, it popped out just. like. that. Intriguing. I started reading it and fell in LOVE with Mr. Kate who describes herself like this: “My yins and yangs are humor and intense ambition, prettiness and roughness, weird and real, rhinestones and dirt, feminine and masculine, Mr. and Kate.” I wonder how long it took her to come up with that “About Me.” Kate Albrecht grew up with a high-powered Hollywood father and an oddball, down-to-earth mother and had a childhood that would be considered anything but “normal.” In “A Hot Glue Gun Mess,” she has shared 50 stories about her life that have each been the inspiration for a DIY project. Most of the stories are about 2 pages long and fucking hilarious! She attended the Waldorf school which “emphasizes the role of imagination in learning, striving to integrate holistically the intellectual, practical, and artistic development of pupils.” Her stories range from: an attempted weekend of being a player, finding out your years long best friend has always been a high-priced hooker, her love of humping starting at age two and wearing a Betsey Johnson eggplant-colored, crushed velvet, skintight 1940s style bathing suit to dinner at Nobu with her parents and Tom Hanks when she was fourteen.
Reading through her stories, I felt a sense of wonder and longing for what it would have been like to lead a life like hers. At sixteen, Kate’s parents took her and a friend to their apartment in New York City and, because the two girls were taking cabs, they let them stay out until 12:30 am. Did I mention she was sixteen? Holy crap! How amazing would that have been? Mr. Kate was allowed to roam a city of 8.4 MILLION people. I mean, they even managed to get into a strip club and have all their expectations of “a land of lithe ladies with the most perfect perkies you ever did see” dashed with a vision of “some lady with very visible cellulite squeaking down a pole, the whole place smelled like a sweaty foot, and the male clientele all looked like my mouth-breathing history teacher.” How come I was never allowed to wander until 12:30 am in a city with a population of 10,000 when i was sixteen years old? Even though I had my license, I would have paid one of the two cabs that our city had to take my ass downtown so I could find my fun until 12:30 am. Unfortunately, our city didn’t even have a strip club to try to sneak into. Actually, we had nothing to sneak into at that time of night. I mean Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Everything was locked up tight by 6 pm downtown other than a McD’s and Tim’s that were open until 11 pm. Our two malls closed at 9 pm on weekdays and at 6 pm on Saturdays and Sundays. After 6 pm, tumbleweeds would roll down the 3 blocks that made up main street. Picture the Wild West but add paved streets…and minus those sexy gunslingers, guns low on their hips, sauntering down the barren wasteland, the jangling of their spurs calling out to the Ladies of the Night and any other hot gunslingers wanting to duel. Anyhow, back to my 12:30 am destination choices. The two bars closed at 1 am and sadly, living in a city this small, my chances of sneaking into a bar past a bouncer I knew probably would have failed miserably and my night would have ended with me being hauled home in the back of my parents minivan. So, my one and only destination would have been one of the two convenience stores that were open (are you also noticing there were two of everything??) Don’t get me wrong, 7-Eleven is great for a late night stop on your way home from a party to get drunk snacks and a Pepsi for the inevitable morning after hangover. I realize now that, had I been allowed to stay out until 12:30 am, 7-Eleven would have paled in comparison to Mr. Kate’s New York City experiences. I’ll just make myself feel better with the images in my head of that hot gunslinger, make it two dueling hot gunslingers, wearing nothing but their cowboy hats, gun holsters, chaps and cowboy boots. Yum.
My favorite stories in the book have to be “Pomegranates and Porn” and “One Flew Into the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Most of the stories made me laugh out loud and I’d get side-looks from my family, but I’m used to getting those looks from them so no fucks were given – C.Dolly
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